Sometimes, I wonder how you are.. you know because you were such a big part of my life for pretty significant years of my life. I know we all grow up, grow apart and move on, but still. I still remember when I knew everything that happened in your life, and it’s weird that now I know nothing. I mean really it’s not weird it’s just funny.. to think back on all the people I’ve had in my life and today, my life is nothing like it was.. but that’s okay. I guess the thought of you today, kind of made me think about my past, my old life. I’ve let go of it all, and now it’s memory. However, I love the life i have today. I hope the same for you too.

blame it on the weather.

Do you ever just want to run? To move somewhere, where no one knows you. To start over in a new place? A place where you make new friends, new loved ones, and start a new life. Somewhere no one knows you, or where you come from. Do you ever just want to be a different version of you? The version you can’t be where you are because everyone knows you and what you’ve done, who you’ve been, where you come from. Just run, run from everyone and everything. If it was possible, would you? If it were possible to forget your past, would you? Would I? Would I give up my friends, my boyfriend, my life I’ve made? It may sound crazy but it’s something I think about. I’m happy, and that scares me. I want love, I have love, and I’m scared. I’ve got friends, and a new life. A life I rebuilt from the mistakes I made. Do I deserve happiness? After what I’ve done, do I really deserve what I have? Well, I don’t know. I’m not sure if of what I deserve. I hurt people, that’s what I do. I love them, hurt them, and run. Well I’m not running now, not yet but it sounds good. Just up and go, if I could. But I can’t. When does happiness, make me happy. I have all I wanted, but do I appreciate it enough? Am I comfortable in my suffering? I’ve got all I could ask for, yet something in me is screaming “help” and I just don’t know what or why.

i love you, all of you. i won’t run “to save you the heartache” because i won’t cause you heartache. i’ll stay, even when your fears try to push me away. i’ll hold on, when my fears want me to run. i will stay, i will not leave.. no matter what. that is my promise, i promise not to give up, or walk away. i will choose you, because i don’t to lose you. it may not be easy all the time, there may be pain, anger, resentment, sadness, and that’s okay. that’s okay, because i love you. i’m going to make a decision today, from here on out to love you through it all. because i’m a runner, but you are one thing i just don’t want to run from.